Parental Advisory Required
by RumbleintheDumbles
Summary: Conspiracies collide and terrible plans are put into action. Heroes and Villains escalate to ever-more-incredible heights in the wake of the events at Brockton Bay. World-ending threats rear their heads. None of this is enough to stop the Hebert family and their friends from stealing all the things. (Sequel to Parental Guidance)
1. A Promise of Sillier Things

**A/N: It begins.**

 **Disclaimer: Worm and the Parahumans franchise in general belongs to Wildbow. I'm just playing in his sandbox.**

 **This is a sequel to Parental Guidance. Please read that story first or you will undoubtedly find yourself extraordinarily confused.**

* * *

It was surprisingly well-guarded, for an old storage facility.

Guards with tinker-tech guns and dogs patrolled the perimeter, spot-lights combed the surface of the featureless fields outside the facility. There was a tall, barbed fence surrounding the facility and cameras were dotted all around.

None of this was enough to trouble the woman-and-girl duo who slipped in through a quickly-created hole in the fence, melted by a silent tinker-tech compound.

"This is Agent M to control. We're in."

"Copy that, Agent M. Any problems?"

"Not yet."

"Good. You know what we're looking for."

Agent M looked down at her partner-in-crime, and the teenage girl looked back seriously.

"I'll advance toward the main facility. I need you to use your ability to confuse the guards and ensure they don't see me."

The younger member of the thieving duo nodded. "Okay."

Agent M began to advance, quickly and quietly across the field. Evidently, her partner had pulled through – there was no sign of anyone noticing her movement across the dark, open space. She found herself hugging the wall, approaching one of the guards from behind. A quick chop to the back of the neck saw him unconscious, a short drag away to a nearby bush hid the evidence well enough for a temporary job. The quick application of a lock-pick and many years of practice saw her enter the facility easily enough.

She was not surprised when her partner followed her in shortly after-ward. Her power was extraordinarily versatile.

The pair advanced down several corridors, guards knocked out quietly by either Agent M's neck-chops or judicious abuse of her partner's power. Eventually, they came to a well-protected door.

Signalling for the other thief to keep an eye out, Agent M set to work with her lock-picks again, soon having the door open.

The chamber they entered looked like something from a heist movie. Lines of criss-crossing red laser beams gleamed across the long walkway, a web of traps that would have required an incredible feat of acrobatic ability to cross without tripping the alarm.

"Okay," Agent M whispered, "There it is. One of Doctor Haywire's storage discs containing his notes on dimensional travel."

"Cool..." the other thief seemed distracted, "But Miss Militia,"

"Agent M," the former hissed.

"Sorry, Agent M," Vista corrected quietly with a wince, "Why does this secret mission seem awfully like we're committing some kind of crime?"

"Nonsense, agent V," Miss Militia shook her head, "This mission was authorised by the Director herself. Now, you know what to do here."

Vista waved an arm, and suddenly, the lasers curved up, forming a neat archway for the two 'secret agents' to stroll through. Agent M cautiously crept closer to the podium, containing the disc that supposedly featured work by the dimensional tinker, Dr Haywire.

She stopped short.

Because there wasn't a disc.

There was a note.

 _'Dear enterprising thieves,'_

She read to herself silently.

 _'We got wind that someone wanted to steal this little trifle, and that made us want to steal it too, so we stole it before you because we're better at this than you are. Better luck next time!_

 _Yours insincerely,_

 _Ocean, The Midnight Feline and Skitter'_

She resisted the urge to curse. "Abort," she hissed, "Mission is a failure."

* * *

When they finally made it a safe distance away, Miss Militia took the time to address her partner in totally-legalised crime.

"Well, that did not go as successfully as we might have wished," she sighed, "But I was still very impressed by your performance out there, Vista. Your experience in the field really showed."

"Thank you, Miss Militia," Vista beamed, "Can I ask a question?"

"You may," the older Heroine nodded.

"Were we trying to take out Ocean's Crew, here, by catching them in the act?" the youngest hero in the Brockton Bay protectorate asked curiously.

Miss Militia adopted a thoughtful look beneath her scarf. Vista had proven to be competent, intelligent, and surprisingly rational for someone who lived in both the same planet, country, AND city as Ocean's Crew. Perhaps the Director would agree to let her in on the so-far unsuccessful plan that they both referred to as 'GTFOOTD', or 'Get The Fuck Out Of This Dimension'.

"I don't have the authority to share that at the moment, but I'll talk to the Director when we get back about whether we can let you in the loop," Miss Militia promised.

"Oh, great!" Vista cheered, "So who are we going after next? The Gesellschaft? Ash Beast? Breaking into the Birdcage to take out Glaistig Uaine?"

Miss Militia blinked. "What?"

"Well, Clockblocker took out the Slaughterhouse Nine," Vista explained, "So I realised I need to step up my game if I'm going to become the next leader of the Wards. So who is it? Nilbog?"

"But... Clockblocker retired with the bounty money from taking out the Nine?"

"Well, yeah, but if I don't match up to him I won't really feel like I've earned it, you know? Oh, wait, it's the Sleeper, isn't it? I bet I can take the Sleeper. He can't be that badass if he's always taking naps."

Miss Militia resisted the urge to back away in horror. She and Director Piggot had miscalculated. They had miscalculated badly.

It seemed Vista was not the helpful, rational, sane girl she had first thought.

She was another one of _them_.

"Like I said," the experienced heroine said with forced cheer, "I'll talk to the Director about it."

Mainly about how they were never to let her, or anyone else, in on their conspiracy again, but at least she wasn't lying.

* * *

"Well then, now that our warm-up is out of the way," a master thief by the name of Ocean addressed the group of super-criminals that had come to be known to most as 'Ocean's Crew', idly flipping a disc between his hands, "We need to talk about our next real job. The world has been given more than enough of a reprieve from us and we decided to re-announce ourselves with a bang."

"We aren't actually going to try and steal Newton's third Law, are we?" his daughter, the supervillian-in-training Skitter asked with worry, "Because I'd like to think I made a pretty convincing argument on the consequences of doing that."

"No, honey," her mother, the room's other infamous master thief known to many as the Midnight Feline, "We aren't going to steal Newton's third Law. We wanted to, but we knew if we did it would clearly make you very upset and we wouldn't want that, so we picked a different target instead."

"...OK," Skitter said, only a little bit dazed that the only thing seemingly standing between the universe and absolute ruin was... good parenting.

"In any case, our target this time is still a difficult one," Ocean continued, "The eyes of the world are on Brockton Bay at the moment, mainly thanks to our good friend, Armsmaster, and his rather spectacular defeat of Leviathan. With that much attention on him, stealing from him is going to be more difficult than ever."

"Which is exactly why we're going to do exactly that!" The Midnight Feline broke in happily, "We've developed a two-stage plan in our long-awaited comeback."

"But it's only been two weeks," Grue, formerly leader of the small-time criminal group the Undersiders but now a member of Ocean's Crew and possibly the only sane one there aside from Skitter, pointed out.

"That's more than long enough," Ocean said firmly.

"Indeed it is," the world's most infamous cat-burglar continued, "Step one: We will steal his bike."

"Just to clarify," Tattletale, the Undersider's thinker and the self-professed biggest fan of Ocean and the Midnight Feline asked as she furiously scribbled down notes, "Do we mean his motorbike, or does he own a bicycle that he has attached some kind of emotional significance to as well?"

"His motorbike," Ocean answered, "Though we'll have to look into that second part, good thinking, Tattletale."

She beamed.

"So... what's step two?" Skitter asked with resignation.

"Well, Armsmaster is clearly a more dangerous foe than he was before the battle with Leviathan," the Midnight Feline responded gravely, "As such, when we steal something from him, some reparations will be required as a gesture of respect for his ability."

Skitter felt hope begin to bloom. Perhaps her parents had finally started developing something resembling a survival instinct?

"So we'll replace his bike with a little pink tricycle with kittens on it." Ocean finished pleasantly.

Skitter felt the aforementioned hope curl up into a ball on the floor in the corner of her mind and start crying.

"Why not puppies?" asked Bitch, known by boring people as Hellhound, another former member of the Undersiders and someone who had a great affiliation with dogs.

"Because he will react more to kittens, thanks to his history with me," Midnight Feline explained.

Bitch nodded, satisfied with the answer.

"So, is there… a plan that comes with the plan?" Skitter asked cautiously, "Because what you just said wasn't really a plan as much as a statement of intent to do things."

"Actually, no," Ocean chuckled, "We figured we would make this a bit of challenge. We're going to do this entirely on the fly!"

"Isn't that exciting?" Midnight Feline asked rhetorically.

Skitter held her head in her hands. "This is the day," she mumbled to herself, "This is the day we all get caught and get sent to the Birdcage."

The Birdcage, of course, being the maximum security, no-escape prison where the most dangerous of Parahuman criminals were kept. Skitter had no doubt that after the extent of their war against the legal ownership of property they warranted a place.

"Oh, don't be such a worrier, honey," Midnight Feline assuaged her concerns, "We've been inside the Birdcage and it's nowhere near as bad as you make it out to be."

"Guh."

"Except that Teacher fellow," Ocean frowned, "He was a bit of an irritating sort. 'My master plans' this and 'Take over the world' that. So cliché."

"Abuh."

"Glaistig Uaine was pleasant, though," Midnight Feline reminisced, "Especially after we brought her that tea set from Buckingham Palace. She was so understanding about the way we butchered the pronunciation of her name."

"Grbblllrrbblll."

"Well, it only felt right that a Fairy Queen should drink tea from a cup fit for royalty – Oh dear, sweetheart, I think Skitter is foaming at the mouth again."

"I'm getting a bit concerned about this habit of hers, dear," Midnight Feline's normally cheerful voice was tinged with worry, "It seems to happen every time we talk about a plan or an old job. Do you think we should see a doctor?"

"We'll book an appointment after this job, I think," Ocean confirmed, "I'll look into it with our connections," he turned to look out of the window as Tattletale helped Midnight Feline prop his daughter up on the couch to recover from her latest fit.

"But first it's time to let the world know... we're back."


	2. Sillier Things Start Happening

**A/N: I don't own Worm. It belongs to Wildbow.**

* * *

"Oh god, not the bees! Not the bees! AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH, MY EEEEEEYES!"

With an irritated grunt, Coil closed the timeline that included Dinah Alcott Kidnapping Attempt #934 and found himself left with three major thoughts:

The first was that it had become very apparent that he had to ensure Ocean's Crew were all very, very occupied when he made his next attempt.

The second was that he probably shouldn't have let his mercenaries watch Wicker Man before they went out to operate in the same city as Skitter. Also, who knew that girl would take such an exception to armed men kidnapping a little girl? They really didn't make villains with the required lack of moral calibre these days.

The third was that he was really, really getting tired of this nonsense. It had now gotten to the point where his target did not even notice that he was trying to kidnap her before some strange, unfortunate happenstance disrupted whatever plan had been made completely and often left his mercenaries in extremely humiliating positions.

What he needed was an opening, where both Oceans Crew and the Protectorate were sufficiently distracted. His patience was rapidly running out.

Then he got a new report. Apparently, Oceans Crew were now involved in a high-speed pursuit with Armsmaster and several other Protectorate heroes. Apparently, attempt #934 must have run afoul of them on the way to their strike against Armsmaster.

Feeling a wave of giddiness that attempt #935 may finally be the one, he began issuing new orders.

* * *

Like all things worth knowing about, it started with an explosion and ended in a high-speed chase through crowded city streets.

Or, at least, that was how her mother and father said the saying should go. Skitter wasn't entirely sure how true that was.

"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE ME NOW!" She winced at Armsmaster's amplified roar as the hero began to close the gap between them. She sent a wave of insects at the hero, but they vanished in a wave of fire through only one wave of the halberd.

"He's gaining on us," she reported futilely to her parents, who seemed entirely unconcerned, with Ocean reading the Brockton Daily News in the passenger seat while Midnight Feline laughed gleefully at the wheel of their heavily-customised convertible, which she steadfastly refused to call 'Ocean's Motion'.

"Don't worry, dear. We have it covered," Ocean said idly as he checked his horoscope, "See? The horoscope says 'If you approach your objectives with enthusiasm and diligence, you will succeed in what you set out to do.' That's as clear-cut as it gets, in my book."

Skitter turned back to see that Armsmaster's bike had now taken off and was flying through the air while arming air-to-surface missiles. "How covered do you have it? Because I'm pretty sure those might be the same missiles he used against Leviathan and I really don't think there's a level of cover that can meaningfully apply for endbringer-killing weaponry oh god oh god oh god-"

While most of the residents of Brockton bay hardly needed context for a situation involving Armsmaster chasing Ocean's Crew, there was, in fact, some context to be had. The tale that led to this exhilarating scene was a long one, and fraught with danger and cunning schemes...

 _The car pulled up next to him. Turning to look, Armsmaster found himself staring blankly into the domino-masked face that he immediately recognised as belonging to his arch-nemesis and his damnable family._

 _Ocean threw a firework in the air. Armsmaster tensed, but it exploded harmlessly, only for the sparks to spell out a phrase:_

 ** _ARMSMASTER IS A NERD_**

" _See you!" Ocean said cheerfully as the car sped off._

 _Armsmaster let out a roar of rage and gunned his bike._

And that's how it happened.

* * *

Coil resisted the urge to open up a new timeline and have a proper evil cackle. While a good villain needed a good evil cackle every now and again, saving his timelines was of the utmost importance when he was this close to obtaining his goal.

The target was strolling home from school, looking entirely unconcerned.

The Protectorate's attention was elsewhere, as was that of Ocean's Crew.

His men were in position. Had he been a more patient man, he would have kept a timeline in reserve, in case this attempt failed like the rest, but, unfortunately for him, being humiliated nine-hundred and thirty-four times had whittled down his patience to the point of being non-existent. This was the best chance he would ever get and he was banking everything, including both of his active timelines, on it working.

He gave the order. "Move in."

* * *

 _0.00% chance I get kidnapped by an idiot today._

Dinah had almost forgotten why she asked herself that question so much. She knew someone was trying to kidnap her, presumably to use her power, but she also knew that whoever that person was, they were apparently so horrifically bad at kidnapping that she would probably be less safe if they _stopped_ trying to get her.

Blinking, she saw some armed men approaching directly from the front. She sighed, wishing that she had some popcorn to see how it would all go wrong this time.

When the first man went down, he did so in a manner that actually shocked her. She had never seen that one before. The second, third and fourth were incapacitated in a less spectacular manner. She wondered where Coil got these guys from and how much he was paying them – she had, of course, long ago figured out exactly who was 'trying' to kidnap her due to the ever-increasing incompetence involved his attempts often somehow giving away vital information about his organisation. She also understood that he had a parahuman power, too – it somehow gave him the ability to try things in two different ways. In the hands of a competent villain, this ability would have been terrifying, but with Coil, it only seemed to give him the ability to fail twice as much.

"Hey, I heard a ruckus, are you okay - holy crap, what happened to those guys?"

Dinah blinked as she registered the presence of a garishly-dressed girl relatively close to her age.

Vista, of the Brockton Bay Wards. Dinah was a fan. She wondered if she might be able to get an autograph. However, more important things first.

"Uh," Dinah scratched her head, "Well, those guys were trying to kidnap me, but then the lead one slipped on a banana peel, and his gun went off and hit the sign above him and… well, it led to that," she waved at the scene of absolute carnage that lay before them, strewn with the bodies of unconscious or incapacitated mercenaries, destroyed garbage and broken objects.

"Slipped on a banana peel?" She almost saw Vista's eyes go wide behind her mask, "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Dinah confirmed, "That's not even the best one that's ever happened."

"They've done this before?" Vista asked her in concern.

"All the time, but they don't seem to be very good at it," Dinah confirmed.

Vista sighed in disappointment. "Oh, man. And here I was hoping for some good action."

Dinah mentally asked herself a question.

 _100% chance she can kick Coil's ass._

And a plan began to form.

"Maybe if you interrogate them," she suggested lightly, "You'll be able to find their secret base and take on their boss? That will be more of a challenge."

Vista perked up. "Knocking out a supervillain's secret base would give me leg up on the others… but," she frowned as she once again looked at the scene of carnage before her, "I'm not really sure beating up a villain that lame is really worth it."

"Well, uh," clearly, this was the time to peddle some bullshit, "Look, all the other villains except Ocean's Crew left town after Armsmaster beat up an Endbringer, right?"

"Yeah," Vista sighed morosely. It was pretty much true, after all. Lock Master L and the ABB were currently on tour throughout the United States, the Merchants were pretty much entirely in hiding, and the Empire 88's capes and members had systematically abandoned both the gang and the city to the point where the entire organisation now consisted of one particularly slow Nazi named Geoff.

"But this guy," Dinah indicated the mercenaries, "Stuck around. So he must be pretty badass if he thinks he can keep committing crimes in Armsmaster's town, right?"

"I guess, but would a badass supervillain really use guys that crappy?"

"Good point, but..." Dinah thought harder, "Have you ever heard of obfuscating stupidity?"

"I don't think so."

"It's where someone acts really dumb, but it's only to throw their enemies off and hide the fact that they're really badass."

"Oh," Vista nodded eagerly, "Like Clockblocker was doing all that time!"

"Er, yeah, exactly like that," Dinah lied, "Now, just imagine how badass you must be, if you feel the need to cover it up," she pointed at the pair of legs that was sticking out from a dustbin, "With that much stupid."

"He must be a super badass," Vista said in awe, "Hey, what do you think are the chances that I'll get to smack down an S-class threat if I tangle with this guy?"

"100% chance you'll meet an S-class threat if you attack his secret base," Dinah's power brought forth the answer almost automatically.

"Sweet," Vista cheered, "I'll get right on that, then!"

Clearly very happy by the turn of events, the youngest superheroine in Brockton Bay skipped cheerfully over to the still-twitching mercenaries.

Dinah wondered if she should stick around, then decided that the problem was probably going to solve itself now, and headed home. She talked to her parents about her day (skipping out the parts involving supervillains), watched the TV, had dinner, and went to bed.

Then, staring at the ceiling from beneath the covers, she blinked. "Wait, what?"


End file.
